The Break Up

Okay, so believe, I know the irony of having a post about a break up, when my blog is supposed to be all about love and happiness. But hey, every body has bad days..or in my case, bad weeks.

“What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? What am I supposed to say, when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?”

I didn’t even see it coming. I had no clue, the night before he said we’d be okay. He promised. Not that the day prior was all sunshine and rainbows, it was quite the opposite. I almost left school to be with him, which he said made him unhappy. But that night he said we’d be okay. And then I woke up early on Saturday and had to wait for him to get up to tell me he was okay, and the funny thing? I was angry that he didn’t text me letting me know that he was okay after going out drinking. But of course, that all went out the window as soon as he started talking to me, like it always was. I could never stay mad at him; I was always too scared of losing him. And then randomly, amidst our texting and my trying to figure out what he was thinking, he said “it’s over Steph.” I immediately called him. I was in shock, in tears, and in denial. I’m not going to sit here and say I handled it eloquently…no, it was quite the opposite. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I refused to believe it; I didn’t want to lose him. And then he hung up on me, but not before saying “Goodbye, Stephanie.” The memory of him saying that (despite the fact that we’ve talked every day since) still feels like a knife in my heart. After calling him countless times, and texting him just as many times with no answering, I called my mom, and as soon as she answered, I cried out, “He doesn’t want me.” I cried so much. I wanted nothing more than for her to be here with me, letting my lay on her lap, have her run her fingers through my hair, and just let me cry. The second best option to that was for me to fly home and just lay in my big, quiet bed (without the never-ending sound of traffic going down my street), with my puppy cuddling with me. But, of course, as with everything going wrong – it continued, neither option was truly an option. So instead I talked to my mom (and mom, if you ever read this, thank you SO much for letting me cry on the phone with you for however long that was…I’m so lucky to have you), my best girl friend, and texted numerous others (because of course everyone texted me after seeing his status go to “single” on Facebook…and to all of you who did, worried, thank you). I hoped someone would have the answer…to why he broke my heart, to how to ease the pain…anything. But no one did. He only texted me back after my mom texted him telling him to talk to me. Even then, he was mad because I wanted to know why. I didn’t understand. He promised me forever, he said not even 16 hours prior that we would be okay. And then he just flipped a switch and ended it.

“Why is it that the people who don’t deserve the life they have, get everything, and the people who deserve the world are barely getting by?” – a quote from Miss Cassie Walter :)

To be honest, I still don’t fully understand it. I’ve tried. He says he’s unhappy in his life, and he hates his job, and he’s miserable. I also know that there’s the possibility of a deployment to Afghanistan in April. Everyone said that’s why he freaked…he didn’t want me to get hurt if he got hurt over there. But it was so much more than that. I always knew he hated his job. He wanted nothing more than to get out and we tried. We tried so many different paths to try to get him out, and for some reason, the army just wanted to keep him in. But I stood by him through it all. And I had planned to continue to stand by him. I still plan on supporting him, even if he doesn’t want me by his side. I’ve always wanted him to be happy, and to go after his dream of fighting in the UFC. I always planned on supporting him through everything. But for some reason, he wants to do it alone. And he won’t give me a straight answer as to whether he wants me there in the future or not…he just says he wants to be happy in the future. But doesn’t everybody? Shouldn’t you surround yourself and pull closer the people that make you happy? Not push them away? Now I’m not saying this is all his fault and I have absolutely NO idea what happened, because that’s not true. I did freak out on Friday and want to come home, which wasn’t the smartest idea, but it’s not like it was the first time it happened. (The first time was freshman year, right after he called to tell me he was getting on the plane to Iraq…and the one thought that was running through my mind was “I should have been there.”) But I thought that since I ended up staying, and he said everything would be okay, that it really would. I’d believed him every other time he said that. He promised me everything, even gave me a promise ring. He said my wanting to leave made him unhappy. He also said I was too dependent on him. Oh, and selfish…but that’s because I didn’t ask how he felt about the deployment. But really? It was the FIRST time I was in a relationship with someone who was deploying…and he said he was scared. How was I supposed to know I should have asked that? But anyways. Maybe I was too dependent. I don’t know. He was/is my best friend. (I’m still refusing to let him give up that role…I’ve never been able to talk to anyone like I can with him.) I still wish I could go back in time, even just a week, and not freak out. Prove to him that I could be strong through this. Because before I left, he said, HE SAID, he knew that we’d have to be miserable and basically hate life through this next year, but HE SAID it was worth it because we’d be together afterwards, and then we’d have forever. He said this was the last time we’d have to be apart, and then that was it. I know I gave up on us being apart right now on Friday, but why did he have to go and give up on EVERYTHING else? And now he’s saying that he’s tired of people making him feel bad for making the decision to end us, (and I know I’m included in that list…not sure who else is), and that he wants to make it through this deployment and then leave this life and everyone who’s making him feel bad behind, and just start over…with only the people who truly care about him. So what category do I fall into? I know I’m making him feel bad about it, but that’s because I feel like shit. He broke every promise he made to me. It’s only fair, since nothing else seems to be. But I also really do truly care about him. With everything I am. I’ve cared about him since the day I met him. The day I met him I knew there was something there…something I’d want to hold on to. I knew that day that he’d be in my life for the rest of my life. He was too amazing of a person to not be in my life. Now, I’m not saying it was love at first sight…because it wasn’t. At least not for me. But he was still in my heart. So where do I fall? Should I hold on to the chance that we’ll be together in the future? Or just give up entirely? Because he still says he loves me, and I have his heart, and that he’s sad we’re not together…and that there’s still a part of him that wants to marry me. So what do I hold onto?

“There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”

It’s only been 3 days, but it still feels like someone is grabbing my insides and twisting them, trying to rip them out. I have no idea whether I should hold on, or just let go. I want him to be happy, and I want to be happy, but I want us to be happy together…I thought we were. So right now I’m torn. Because I don’t want to give him up. Not even remotely. Everyone is saying I should because I deserve better than how he’s treating me, and I’m sure I would be telling myself the same thing…if I wasn’t the one hurt. But to me, while yes, I’m confused as hell, I don’t feel like he’s treating me all that horribly. Yes, okay, breaking my heart qualifies as treating me horribly. But he’s still my friend. He’s still one of my best friends. He’s gotten better since Saturday about allowing me to talk to him about how I feel and ask him questions about what happened and what’s going to happen. And I am so so grateful that he’s talking to me about real shit like that. Because I can’t just do the bullshit small talk that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve always been able to talk to him about actual things, not just meaningless stuff. But I’m still torn. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give him up, or give up the dream of him, because he’s been my dream for the future since we got together…just short of a year and a half ago. Yes, marine biology is still my dream, but he supported that dream, and we made a plan so we could both achieve our dreams…and do them together. So I don’t know if I should hold on to the idea of the plan, or just give it up and try to move on. So far, I’ve been leaning towards holding on. But I’ve also had a problem with letting go and realizing he’s not mine anymore. Every morning I wake up and it takes me a minute to realize he isn’t mine anymore, and that it wasn’t just one big horrible nightmare (I’m still hoping I’ll wake up and this will all have been a nightmare). I just don’t want to give up and have him fall for someone else. It would kill me to see him with someone else. But I guess, before I have to decide on whether to give up or hold on, I need to be okay. Everyone says it takes time, and I’m hoping now that school is back and I’m moving into a *hopefully* better apartment soon, that’ll help. Keep your fingers crossed. So that’s my 2011 New Year’s Resolution (I know, a little late, but I didn’t have one at New Years) – to be okay; to be able to stand on my own two feet, and be truly happy with myself. (But man, if someone told me ON New Year’s that my Resolution was to be okay living without the love of my life…I would have said they were high.) Anyways, he says he’s trying to find himself, alone, and be happy with himself, alone. So I figure I should do the same thing. I’m not saying I’m going to give up anytime soon, or stop loving him (I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that...especially anytime soon). Because the truth is, I’m still crazy in love with him, and he still has my heart. I haven’t taken off his promise ring (despite the fact that he broke those promises to me…he made new ones, not as intense ones, but I’m hoping he’ll keep them nonetheless), and I haven’t stopped wearing his dog tags. Sure there’s moments where I want to take them off and throw them in the ocean because he hurt me and I’m angry at him, but then I wouldn’t have something to hold onto, like physically hold on to. And they’ve been a source of strength for me since he gave them to me…it’s like a rosary for a religious person. Maybe someday soon, I’ll even be able to start eating and sleeping like a normal human being. I haven’t actually eaten a real meal since the night before I left Kansas…and since Friday, I’ve been living off of Sprite…and the occasional saltine.

But anyways, that’s my resolution. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get to that point, or how many nights I’m going to be crying on the phone to my mom, or how many nights I’ll have to call Michelle Hecker (aka my Hawaiian savior…she rescued me last night and gave me my first night of peace and sleep and distractions…I’ll forever be grateful for that), and have to have her allow me to go to my happy place (aka her house), and just relax and relish in the simplicities that are her two young boys and their legos and their Wii. Or just to have a family to be physically in, since mine is up in Alaska. Now no one should think in any way here that I’m saying they’re replacing my family…because my family is the shit and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. The Heckers are just stepping in and helping me out because my parents can’t actually be there (damn jobs and expensive plane tickets getting in the way)…but I know my parents would be here in a heartbeat if they could…ALL of them. <3>

I just wish I could have seen it coming. Had some sort of clue. But maybe that’s it. Maybe Hitch was right, love is never 50/50 completely equal. Maybe it really is 60/40 or even 70/30. But truth be told, I never never would have thought I would have been the one loving more…because when we first met, he wanted me more than I wanted him. I’m just wondering when the tables turned. I’m not sorry they did, because I learned how to love someone with everything I am…something I’d never done before and I will be utterly grateful for that always. But I’m just curious.

“I admit, I really miss how things used to be. But I can also admit, that I’ve accepted that they’ve changed.”

I hope eventually this quote will be true…or maybe I don’t and I hope that they’ll change back. I don’t really know right now. All I know is that I’m trying to be okay. And I know that I have the best support system anyone could have.

To everyone that has already offered me advice in any way shape or form, or just send me hugs and infinite love, thank you. From the bottom of my broken heart, I thank you. It helps more than I could ever say that you guys are there for me. Especially the people I don’t generally talk to…you guys have brought smiles to my face when you just out of the blue message me to tell me it’ll be okay and I can still learn to love again.

To everyone who reads this, thanks for actually reading it and making it through the whole thing…most of the people who do I’m sure have heard most of it, because I’ve either texted it to you or just cried on the phone while telling you and endlessly repeating “I don’t understand.” If you do have advice for me, message it to me. If you just want to send me love and hugs, I can always use those :).

Right now, I’m looking forward to March…to getting out of Hawaii and going home for Spring Break and seeing my amazing family and wonderful siblings…and hopefully managing to see my Harley Family because they are some of the most amazing people I know. And they’re always there for me.

And Will…should you ever find this and read it. I hope you’re not mad that I posted it. I just needed to get it out, and hopefully understand it. I want to be okay without you, but I also don’t want to lose you. But I’ve told you that every day. I love you - that will never change…whether the future brings us back together in the future or not. I hope you don’t ever give up on your dream, and you only have the best people as your support system. I will always support you in whatever you do with your life. I may not like it, but I want you to be happy…even if that winds up being without me.