Many Thanks.

I want to acknowledge the people who helped me get through this year. I know I’ve done a thank you post before, but life continues to happen, and people continue to remind me how glad I am to have in them in my life.

Taylor Shideler –

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for always telling me like it is, whether it’s what I want to hear or not. Thank you for always listening to me vent, no matter what. Thank you for still being there when I need you to be, even when we don’t talk on a regular basis. I’m so glad that we’ve made it this far. Ten years. It’s officially been ten years since we met. Middle school and high school were so…insane. So much happened during those years. So much has happened since then. YOU GOT PUBLISHED! I'm so goddamn proud of you for that. It’s amazing we’re still friends, and it couldn’t make me happier. I’ve seen you go through so much and grow up along the way. We’ve helped each other survive so much it’s incredible. But really, I want to thank you for how much you’ve helped me. No matter what problem I’m having, you make time for me. You tell me whatever it is I really need to hear, whether I like it or not. I love that I can trust you to be honest. It’s a truly amazing trait that isn’t present in a lot of people nowadays. I can’t wait to see what life brings us both as we continue on. And I’m glad I don’t have to question whether we’ll still be bessfrens along the way.

Cassie …Barbee –

I still have troubles remembering to write your new last name instead of your maiden name. I can’t believe how much has changed over the years. For us also, it’s been ten years. An entire freaking DECADE. God that makes me feel old. I’m so unbelievably glad that I have you in my life. You’re always there for me when I need you, and even when I don’t need you. I can always count on you to make sure you have time for me, despite the insane schedules we both have. I’m so proud of who we’ve both become and what our friendship has managed to survive over the years. To quote our song, “I can’t wait to see you again.” I know that no matter what happens over the years, I can count on you. I can’t wait to see how our lives continue to grow and change with each new days. I love you. <3

Kimberly Ann Possible…err..Kim Cieplik –

For some reason, I still want to call you Kimberly Ann Possible. Especially when I’m drunk. I just find it hilarious for some reason. You’re one of the most awesome, trustworthy, down-to-earth people I’ve ever met, and I’m so so so happy I have you in my life. I still remember how we met – we had matching rings in Benson’s math class. :) We’ve been through so damn much it’s amazing. Many years, school, Jones sodas, pockets full of pens we jacked from shows at the Carlson Center, and so many boys. I don’t think I would have been able to survive it without you. You helped me become who I am today. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve helped me through over the years. I can’t wait to see what life continues to bring us, and to see you dominate everything thrown your way. You’re an amazing person, Kim. It takes a lot for my dad to want to replace me with someone specific…so it says something that he likes you that much. He doesn’t like many of my friends that much. But I love you darlin. I can’t wait to see how our lives continue to unfold.

Genileigh Erin Krystine Grey –

I know I’ve done one of these before, but you never cease to amaze me. You are always always always there for me when I need you, even when you have your own stuff going on. I can always count on you. You know what to say to make me feel better, even if it is something that I may not want to hear…you say it in a way that makes me feel okay anyways. I can’t imagine my life without you in it anymore. It’s amazing to think we met roughly 13 years ago (even though we decided everything after a decade is just knowing each other for forever). I am so incredibly proud of what you have managed to accomplish and survive over the past year. This year has beat up the both of us, and we’ve both survived it better people. Plus, you have an absolutely BEAUTIFUL baby girl. She’s so lucky to have such an amazing mother. I can’t wait to watch her grow up. And as always, you know I’m here for you. No matter what. Anytime of day. I’m hoping and praying that I get to move to Seward after graduation so I can be close to you and Zoëigh. So I can watch her get bigger, and be close to you to help with whatever I can. I love you Genileigh, and I thank you with all my heart for being the amazing and incredible person you are.

My AMAZING parents –

Finally, and last but certainly not least, my incredible parents. I can’t thank you guys enough for what you’ve done for me, what you’ve given me, over the span of my life. You guys are the reason I’m where I am today, and I’m who I am today. You guys have saved me so much during my life. You sent me to school to follow my dreams. I will forever be grateful for what you do for me. I love you guys so incredibly much, and I hope you know that. And I hope you’re proud of me. Proud of the person I’ve become.

2011 Reflection. 2012 Resolution.

It’s funny. I spent a large portion of 2011 counting down to 2012, and now that it’s here, I wish it wasn’t. If I could, I would do this year all over again. All the ups, downs, tears, smiles, laugh, pain. Everything. I would do it all again. And sure, there’s some things I would like to have been different, but really, if I had the option to do it again, I wouldn’t change anything. Everything happens for a reason. And I don’t believe in regrets. And I think in order to truly be able to live without regrets, you have to be able to, given the chance to relive something, live it without changing anything. No, this year hasn’t exactly been the greatest. But it taught me a lot about myself.

Everything that happened with Will…as much as it sucked, I wouldn’t change it. He taught me so much about myself, and I’d never want that to have not happened. It was a good memory, despite how he reacted after the fact. He taught me so much about myself and about what I need to do, who I need to be, before I can truly be in a successful relationship.

But anyways. This year, 2012, is graduation year. And honestly, that terrifies me. I find it hard to believe that almost four years have already gone by since I graduated high school. Four years ago, I didn’t honestly believe this is where my life would be. I’ve lost friends I never thought I would, but I also gained many more friends that have helped me become who I am today. And I’m so incredibly thankful for those people in my life. But with graduating, comes the real world. I’m not sure I’m ready for it, but I guess I don’t really have a choice in the matter. However I want to keep learning. I’ve been watching a lot of the TV show “Bones” lately, and I want to be like them – not necessarily the catching bad guys, staring at bones all day part, but the whole “I have multiple degrees in this, this, and this” part. I like learning. I would love to have multiple degrees. If I get the chance, I think my next one would be political science. And then maybe psychology. I don’t know. I just know I want to learn as much as I can in this lifetime.

Now, for 2012, here’s my resolution: take the phrase “I don’t have time” completely out of my vocabulary. Normally, I’ll make a resolution, and then it fails for whatever reason, usually because I just forget about it. But this one, I’m determined to stick to. While, I don’t believe in regrets, I honestly think that if I keep saying I don’t have time to do the things I want to, I will regret it. I have roughly 5ish months left in Hawaii. I honestly can’t imagine not living there next year. Not doing Halloween in Hawaii, not being able to go to Mooses every weekend. But the idea of moving home (well, to Seward), being roughly a 10 hour drive away from my parents, and a 3ish hour drive away from my soul sister and niece…that overwhelms any need I have to be able to go to Mooses or do HalloWaikiki. And if I get the internship I want, I’ll be able to help sick marine animals. And that’s what I want to do more than anything. So that’s my resolution. To make sure I have time to do anything and everything I want to while I still can.

Before I finish this off, I want to thank everyone who helped me get through this year. It’s been one of my roughest years yet, and I survived it with the help of some amazing people in my life, and my truly amazing parents. Despite being terrified of graduating, and what’s going to happen afterwards, I’m looking forward to this year. To seeing what my next adventure will be.

So much has happened this year. If someone had told me back on New Years, this is what would have happened, I would have thought they were high…or just completely insane. But alas, it did. And I don’t regret one second of it. To those of you who know me, you know I don’t believe in regrets. Life is too short for them. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know that reason right then…we tend to figure it out later. I’m not going to try to explain on here what happened with Will. All that matters is it did, and it had to. For my sake, and maybe even for his. I don’t know. All I know is I wasn’t being what or who I needed to be for me, and I couldn’t keep doing what I was or it would have broken me completely. And I don’t blame him for that. He caused absolutely no part of what I was doing. It was my need to avoid conflict, my need to try to be perfect. And that’s not healthy. People aren’t perfect, relationships aren’t perfect. But anyways, it was what it was, and now it’s over. It was amazing, and I will never forget Will as long as I live, but now I’m doing what I need to do for me. I’m happy… most of the time anyways. But I’m trying and I’m doing what I can to make sure I’m happy. And that’s what matters. People in this life need to be happy. To cherish each and every day as it comes. Steve Jobs (R.I.P) once said that he woke up every morning and thought to himself that if it was his last day, what would he want to do? And when he went to bed, he thought that if that day was his last, would he regret anything he had done? And if his answer was no, he knew he did the right thing. That’s how more people should live. People need to be doing the good thing, the right thing, every day to help better themselves and others. And that’s what I’m trying to be. I found this 15 lessons to the pursuit of happiness, and I want to share it with you. Whoever you may be, I hope this makes you think. And I hope you follow it. I know I’m doing my best to. And whatever you’re doing in your day, I hope you’re smiling. Always smile. Even if you’re not happy, smile. As my organic chemistry teacher says, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” If you pretend to be happy long enough, eventually that happiness will be real.

The Pursuit of Happiness: 15 Lessons to Keep in Mind

1. The only person that can ever truly make you happy is yourself. Stop depending on everyone else.

2. People lie, stuff happens. Don’t take it too personally.

3. Want people to think you’re amazing? Start believing you are, and then they will too.

4. Smiling is the ultimate anti-depressant. Smile and laugh out loud, it doesn’t look stupid, I promise.

5. The world is never just black and white, right or wrong, one way or another. Try and see things from as many points of view as possible.

6. "Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final"
— Rainer Maria Rilke

7. Have empathy.

8. Gossip, problems of the past, events you cannot control, negative thoughts and negative people; time spent on these is time poorly wasted.

9. When you're jealous or find yourself filled with hate for someone/something, stop. The only person its hurting is you.

10. Although the newest, most expensive material things may make you feel as if you’re a better person, they won’t hold you at night or listen to you when you need it. Make sure your priorities make sense.

11. Step outside your comfort zone- it’s when you’ll really feel alive.

12. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, the people who really matter, don’t mind

13. Let your emotions out sometimes, humans have them for a reason.

14. Celebrate the things you have. Think only positively of the things you don’t (but would like to have) and they too will come.

15. Love unconditionally ♥.

Some Advice...

I found this while stumbling today…the site I got it from claimed they weren’t the author, so I can’t really give credit to anyone, but I really liked it. So whoever wrote this, thank you. It’s incredible. I hope this helps others out there to live their lives the way everyone should – as if each day is your last. Never take anything for granted, you don’t know when it won’t be there anymore.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, co-worker, longest friend, lover, or even a complete stranger) but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some people move our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts,
and We are never, ever the same.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become.

Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count!! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself; it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

Thankful.

So this blog is going to be my way of thanking people. Some people I will name specifically, most I won’t. The only reason I won’t name some people is simply for the fact that there are so many of them that have just given me advice and positive words that I don’t want to forget anyone. But know that if you’ve done ANYTHING this year to try to raise me my spirits or tell me to not give up hope, or anything, know that this is me thanking you, too.

This year has most definitely been an absolutely crazy one. I’m not going to recap it, because most of the people reading this already know my story. But it’s been a roller coaster. And what’s important is that through all of it, and mainly thanks to the wonder that is Facebook, people have been keeping in touch with me constantly telling me to keep my chin up and stay strong. They’ve told me that I’m strong enough to get through this and to not give up on everything I’ve wanted. They’ve believed in me so much, constantly telling me that I’m strong, that it made ME believe that I’m strong enough to get through this. There’s that saying, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” And I think that applies here. This year has been hell, but there really isn’t any other choice but to keep going. I never really understood why you would want to keep going through hell if you were, but now I get it. It’s because there isn’t any other option. You have to keep going in order to get out of it. But the thing is, you don’t necessarily have to keep letting it be hell. You can change your outlook on it. And I did. That was the blog prior to this one. This one is to thank the people who’ve helped get me there.

So many people have told me their stories, what they did to cope, how they got through it. So many military wives and girlfriends that I know have dealt with their husbands/boyfriends pushing them away, and it’s because of them that I was able to hold on. They had their happy endings. I know not everyone does, but simply because they did have their happy endings, I believed that I could too. So I didn’t give up. And I’m happy I didn’t. I’m not close to being done with this, but I’m on the right track to have my happy ending. I just have to stick it out this year. And with the help of so many beautiful and strong women I have in my life, I know that I can do it. So many people kept telling me to be strong, that now I’m returning the favor. I know a few people who are now going through the first part of the deployment – the part where they actually leave, that’s the hardest. And I’m not saying I’m an expert at it, because I’m still going through it, but I know that thanks to technology, it’s more possible now than it was before to have our guys contact us more often while they’re in transit to where they’re going. And that alone helps. There are so many of us dealing with the deployment right now, that we’ve more or less formed a circle of help. Anytime someone is feeling down about it, there’s someone there (or maybe even more than one person) offering advice and telling them if they need to talk, they’re there. I know I’ve done it more than once. And I’ve had an amazing amount of people do it for me. And I’m so utterly grateful for it. I couldn’t even put into words how much the people who’ve been there for me lately mean to me.

But like I said, I’m not naming everyone, simply because I don’t want to leave anyone out. So, if you’ve helped me out, listened to me complain, shared your story with me, or just offered your ear for me if I do need to talk, THANK YOU. I can’t even put into words how much it means to me that you care enough to help me out, to be there for me. Most of you I don’t ever see, or even talk to on a regular basis, but when I needed advice, you were there. Know that if you ever need someone, I’m there for you too.

However, there were a few people I do want to name, simply because they went above and beyond what any other friend has done.



Cassie Walter.

My best friend, my sister. I’ve known her since 7th grade, and she continues to be an amazing friend. I know she’ll always be there for me. I can count on her no matter what. She’s always there when I need to complain, no matter what I’m complaining about. She always says what I need to hear, which more often than not, is really what I need. She’s about to do the whole deployment thing with her boyfriend, and I know that she knows I’m here for her too. Cassie, your thank you section of here isn’t as long as the others, but that’s because I tell you thank you all the time. You know how much you mean to me. You know I count on you more than anyone else, because you are my sister. I love you more than I could ever truly put into words. My phone is always on for you, especially since you’re going through the deployment here soon too. Together, we’ll get through this. I love you sister :)

Lauren Wilfer.

We actually didn’t talk much after graduation, but this semester, she really came back into my life. And I’m so thankful that she did. She came out to visit me when no one else could, and I couldn’t be more happy that she did. I’m so thankful that I have her in my life, and no matter what, she’s always there when I need someone to just remind me that this won’t last forever. Lauren, thank you for everything. I’m so glad I have you in my life, and I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOUR FACE IN AUGUST! :)

Kayleigh Paulin.

Before this semester, we didn’t really talk all that much. But we’ve formed an amazing friendship this semester, and I’m more thankful for it and for her than she could ever imagine. Even if we did mainly become friends because almost everyone else in our major are prudes. Haha :) But she’s been there for me. I wasn’t actually sure at first if she would be okay with me texting her to vent about this deployment and all the shit that was going on with Will when it wasn’t all peachy, but she didn’t care. She offered me amazing advice and reminded me that I’m strong enough to deal with it and that it would all get better eventually, I just had to make it there. I can’t even begin to thank her for how much she’s done for me this semester. And the day Will was set to leave, she truly stepped up as an amazing friend and did what I don’t think anyone else (except Will himself) would do – she took me to Little Caesar’s after class, which she knew is the one place that never fails to make me smile (because their Crazy Bread is amazingly delicious). I was so surprised that she was willing to do that…I hadn’t even thought of going there to cheer me up…I was just planning on going home and crying until I had to go to work. But she kept me distracted and took me somewhere she knew would cheer me up. It showed me that she really is a true friend, and that I can count on her when I need it. I’m so lucky to have met her. I’m sad because she’s leaving and moving to Maui this summer, but I’m going to make frequent trips to visit her. I need her positivity in my life. And her humor. She makes me laugh a lot. She keeps me distracted. Which, more often than not, is what I truly need. Kayleigh, I’m so glad I met you and that I can call you one of my good friends. You are an amazing, incredible, and seriously awesome person. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me this semester. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.


Genileigh Erin Krystine Grey.

I can’t even begin how I should thank this woman. She’s amazing, incredible, and always there for me when I need her. She has absolutely gone beyond anything I could ever imagine for me. And what’s funny, is that she’s also been going through hell. I’m not about to put her story on here, because that isn’t my place to share it with anyone. But she’s been dealing with more shit than me, and none of it, absolutely NONE of it is deserved. She is the most kind-hearted, gentle, loving, and absolutely pure of soul person that I have ever met. I haven’t ever met anyone like her. I’ve texted her complaining about the bad stuff with Will multiple times, and she always told me to not give up hope. She knows how strong our love is, and that it can get through anything. And when things got better with us, she was happy for us. Truly happy. When Will left, I texted her venting about this war and this deployment and how none of it was fair. But really, I had no room to complain because I had Will back, and she’s still dealing with the shit that she doesn’t deserve. So I apologized, because I truly believed that I had no room to complain, since things were going better for me, where they weren’t for her. But what’s truly surprising, and completely astounding is that she told me I didn’t need to apologize…she wanted me to take her story and learn from it. To have faith in my love. Because even though hers isn’t going well, she still has faith in it. This is what she texted me after I freaked out over the deployment and then apologized for complaining:

“You can always complain to me. If anything I hope my situation gives you hope and faith. I don’t stop believing even when people think I should love. I just want my faith to rub off on others. If it gets me nowhere I want it to at least have helped another. I was scared my first deployment relationship. But you learn that everything you think you can’t do, you can do. And deployments really make you stronger and are for the ones who have real love. It weeds out the weak and strengthens the bond and creates a new chapter. It’s one of those things that make or break and it won’t break you. You’re just having normal anxiety. You’ve proven yourself wrong many times I’m sure and we all do. You can do ANYTHING you put your heart into.”

I wanted to share that text because I think it really shows how incredible of a person she is. She just wants her story to mean something to others…to get other people to have faith in what they have and to be grateful for the good things they have in life. She’s such an inspiration to me, and I’m so glad I have her in my life. No matter what, I know I can turn to her, and I don’t expect her to have all the answers for my problems…no one does, but I do know that she’ll have something positive to say. OR maybe she’ll end up venting right along with me. Either way, she backs me up. She’s always there to help me and she gets me back on track. She reminds me to stay positive. And every time I’ve talked to her since Will left, she’s reminded me that today is just one less day I have until I get to have him by my side again. I am so thankful to have her in my life. I truly can’t put into words how amazing she is, but to whoever reads this, if you know Genileigh, you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, then just know that she is one of the most incredible people I have ever met. She has the most beautiful heart and soul I’ve ever seen. She’s actually beautiful in every way…she’s a gorgeous human being. But what’s important is that she’s an amazing friend…to anyone who needs one. And I’ve needed her more now than I ever have before. And I’m glad we got back in touch two years ago. I met her when I was 9… but we didn’t ever talk until two years ago, and now…I don’t know what I would do without her in my life. Genileigh, truly, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. For everything. I love you, soul sister. <3

Complaining.

So there are a few reasons people should never care about their problems. The first is that the majority of people just don’t care. Another is that some people want to hear you complain, simply because they are happy YOU have those problems and not them. And finally, the last reason you shouldn’t complain about your problems is because there are people out there who have it so much worse than you.

I had this revelation yesterday after listening to someone complain that their spouse left in January for a SIX MONTH deployment (meaning they get back in June), and this person was horny. I was like seriously?! I wanted to smack this person. Only because I haven’t seen Will since January, and there’s a chance I won’t see him until I graduate (which is May of 2012…NEXT FREAKIN YEAR). So to have to listen to someone complain about a six month deployment…and not even about the fact that their spouse was deployed, but that they were horny and wanted to get laid…really irritated me. Not to put my sex life out there, but the lack of sex is the least of my problems with this deployment. I could care less about that in the grand scheme of things. All I want is to be with him. Not just so we can sleep together, but because he’s my best friend, my other half. But anyways, that’s not the point of this. The revelation is that I need to not complain about this deployment. Sure, it sucks…no one is denying that. But the point is, I still have someone I love and who loves me back. He’s healthy. He’s coming back. We will have our future that we’ve always talked about. So what if I have to go through possibly a year and a half away from him to get that? In the grand scheme of things, and I’m talking about having forever with him as being the grand scheme, a year and a half isn’t a huge deal.


So anyways. Here’s my new plan. To be happy. To be optimistic. To be thankful for every day I get to talk to him. To be more thankful on the days I get to see his face or hear his voice. There is absolutely no point in being miserable everyday of this next however long it ends up being, because how can I cheer him up when he needs it if I can’t even cheer myself up? My mission is to stop complaining. And I’m not saying I’m going to be perfect at this…I know there will be days that I wind up complaining, and to those people I end up complaining to, I’m sorry. But I know the people that I will end up complaining to will remind me how lucky I am to have him in my life and that every day that goes by is one day closer to him being back in my arms, safe and sound.


I don’t want to be one of those girls who complains about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, because like I said before, a third of the people don’t care, a third are glad YOU have those problems, and a third of people have worse problems. And the worse part about that last third is that you don’t always know which people have it worse. So I want to be thankful for what I have. And take the bad days with a grain of salt. I know they won’t last forever, I just have it make it through them. And I know I will. Because I have a good reason to. And for when it gets hard for me to get through it, I have people to turn to who will remind me of everything I have to look forward to…that it won’t last forever.


And when all else fails, I’ll go play in the water. That’s always been good therapy for me.

Religion

So this post is a little different than my normal ones, but it's some quotes on religion I've found from this book I've been reading.


The book is called "Change of Heart" and it's by Jodi Picoult. All of her books are completely amazing, so should you ever need something to read, pick one of hers up. "Change of Heart" is a newer one of hers, and I'm reading it (for the second time). Basically, it's about a guy who gets charged with murdering a police officer and a seven-year-old and put on death row (the story opens up with the jury deliberating over whether to sentence him to death or not. Then the story moves ahead 11 years, with one of the jury members becoming the inmate's spiritual adviser. Some miraculous things happen surrounding the inmate, and some people think he's a religious reincarnate, and it basically turns into a huge religious hoopla, but really, the guy just wants to donate his heart to the second daughter of the mother and wife of his first victim. (He killed the cop & daughter when the mom was pregnant with her second child - the cop's baby). Anywho, the new baby, who's like 7 at the time has a failing heart, so the inmate wants to donate his heart to save her, to clear the slate after taking away her father & sister. His reasoning is that it's the only way to save himself. But through everything, it turns into a big religious issue, even though he says he's not religious. But out of it (thanks to the incredible writing of Jodi Picoult), she managed to put into words my views on religion.


And here are those quotes:


This first one comes from a reformed hardcore atheist in the novel (who's story originates in another novel of hers..."Keeping Faith")

“An atheist got more in common with a Christian, since he believes you can know whether or not God exists – but where a Christian says absolutely, the atheist says absolutely not. For me, and any other agnostic – the jury’s still out. Religion is intriguing, but in a historical sense. A man should live his life a certain way not because of some divine authority, but because of a personal moral obligation to himself and others.”

These next two come from the inmate who's trying to explain to the jury about his "religion" (that donating his heart is his way to salvation):

“I don’t belong to a religion. Religion’s the reason the world’s falling apart – did you see that guy get carted out of here? THAT’S what religion does. It points a finger. It causes wars. It breaks apart countries. It’s a petri dish for stereotypes to grow in. Religion’s not about being holy, just holier-than-thou.”

“You know what religion does? It draws a big fat line in the sand. It says, “if you don’t do it my way, you’re out.”

This is the book cover:

Never Give Up.

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.”

Somehow, this quote has defined my life more times than not. It’s true though. There’s been times where I want to give up on everything and I’ve needed to remind myself (or have someone else remind me) why I’m still holding on. This time is only slightly different. I’m still holding on, but I have no intention of giving up. Sure, there’s sometimes when I think it would ease the pain of missing him, but then I think about trying to live my life without him, and I can’t even picture it.

I want to say so much has changed in the past couple of weeks, and some things have, but others haven’t. The one major thing that changed is I’ve stopped crying every two seconds. The major thing that hasn’t is Will and I still aren’t technically together. But, I’m more okay with that than I was.

Things have gotten better for Will and I…it’s close to how we were. But then again, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. It’s better than nothing though. I couldn’t handle having nothing. He means the world to me. I love him. And he loves me. He doesn’t want me to give up on us…he’s not giving up. He still wants everything we’ve had for the future. We just need to get through this year. He needs to not worry about me wanting to quit school to go to wherever he is. And I promise, he doesn’t have to worry about that. I know shit changes, but this I can do. I know I can. I have to. But after this year is over, things can get back on track. We can get back together, and get back to the plan. I’m not giving up hope.

Now, I’m sure there are some of you reading this going, “why doesn’t she just give up all hope? Move on with her life?” Well let me put it this way – think of the ONE thing in your life that you KNOW will be there in your future, and you honestly can’t live without it. Now imagine something taking that away, but still having the possibility that you’ll get it back. Can you HONESTLY say that you’d just give up hope? If you’re sitting there saying, “yeah, I could,” then what you’re thinking of isn’t that important to you, or you’re completely lying to yourself. I’m sure most of you reading this aren’t thinking that though – and for that, thank you. Most of you are hoping, just like me, that Will and I get back together. I deeply appreciate your hoping for me, and not telling me to just give up.

To those of you who still get shocked that we talk daily, please stop or just keep your shock to yourself. Because it’s annoying. He’s my best friend. Nothing has changed that. I can still talk to him in ways that I can’t talk to anyone else. And he still tells me everyday how he feels about me. I can’t even put into words how happy that makes me. So in regards to my confusion on what to do from my last blog, I’ve decided.

I’m not giving up.

And if you don’t agree with my decision, or you think I’m being stupid, please keep it to yourself. This is what I’m going to do and if you feel like judging me for it, then let me know so I can stop talking to you.

I’m going to live my life MY way, and do what makes ME happy. I don’t know how to give up on the only one person I’ve ever truly loved, so don’t try to help me give up, because I can’t, and I won’t.

The Break Up

Okay, so believe, I know the irony of having a post about a break up, when my blog is supposed to be all about love and happiness. But hey, every body has bad days..or in my case, bad weeks.

“What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? What am I supposed to say, when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?”

I didn’t even see it coming. I had no clue, the night before he said we’d be okay. He promised. Not that the day prior was all sunshine and rainbows, it was quite the opposite. I almost left school to be with him, which he said made him unhappy. But that night he said we’d be okay. And then I woke up early on Saturday and had to wait for him to get up to tell me he was okay, and the funny thing? I was angry that he didn’t text me letting me know that he was okay after going out drinking. But of course, that all went out the window as soon as he started talking to me, like it always was. I could never stay mad at him; I was always too scared of losing him. And then randomly, amidst our texting and my trying to figure out what he was thinking, he said “it’s over Steph.” I immediately called him. I was in shock, in tears, and in denial. I’m not going to sit here and say I handled it eloquently…no, it was quite the opposite. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I refused to believe it; I didn’t want to lose him. And then he hung up on me, but not before saying “Goodbye, Stephanie.” The memory of him saying that (despite the fact that we’ve talked every day since) still feels like a knife in my heart. After calling him countless times, and texting him just as many times with no answering, I called my mom, and as soon as she answered, I cried out, “He doesn’t want me.” I cried so much. I wanted nothing more than for her to be here with me, letting my lay on her lap, have her run her fingers through my hair, and just let me cry. The second best option to that was for me to fly home and just lay in my big, quiet bed (without the never-ending sound of traffic going down my street), with my puppy cuddling with me. But, of course, as with everything going wrong – it continued, neither option was truly an option. So instead I talked to my mom (and mom, if you ever read this, thank you SO much for letting me cry on the phone with you for however long that was…I’m so lucky to have you), my best girl friend, and texted numerous others (because of course everyone texted me after seeing his status go to “single” on Facebook…and to all of you who did, worried, thank you). I hoped someone would have the answer…to why he broke my heart, to how to ease the pain…anything. But no one did. He only texted me back after my mom texted him telling him to talk to me. Even then, he was mad because I wanted to know why. I didn’t understand. He promised me forever, he said not even 16 hours prior that we would be okay. And then he just flipped a switch and ended it.

“Why is it that the people who don’t deserve the life they have, get everything, and the people who deserve the world are barely getting by?” – a quote from Miss Cassie Walter :)

To be honest, I still don’t fully understand it. I’ve tried. He says he’s unhappy in his life, and he hates his job, and he’s miserable. I also know that there’s the possibility of a deployment to Afghanistan in April. Everyone said that’s why he freaked…he didn’t want me to get hurt if he got hurt over there. But it was so much more than that. I always knew he hated his job. He wanted nothing more than to get out and we tried. We tried so many different paths to try to get him out, and for some reason, the army just wanted to keep him in. But I stood by him through it all. And I had planned to continue to stand by him. I still plan on supporting him, even if he doesn’t want me by his side. I’ve always wanted him to be happy, and to go after his dream of fighting in the UFC. I always planned on supporting him through everything. But for some reason, he wants to do it alone. And he won’t give me a straight answer as to whether he wants me there in the future or not…he just says he wants to be happy in the future. But doesn’t everybody? Shouldn’t you surround yourself and pull closer the people that make you happy? Not push them away? Now I’m not saying this is all his fault and I have absolutely NO idea what happened, because that’s not true. I did freak out on Friday and want to come home, which wasn’t the smartest idea, but it’s not like it was the first time it happened. (The first time was freshman year, right after he called to tell me he was getting on the plane to Iraq…and the one thought that was running through my mind was “I should have been there.”) But I thought that since I ended up staying, and he said everything would be okay, that it really would. I’d believed him every other time he said that. He promised me everything, even gave me a promise ring. He said my wanting to leave made him unhappy. He also said I was too dependent on him. Oh, and selfish…but that’s because I didn’t ask how he felt about the deployment. But really? It was the FIRST time I was in a relationship with someone who was deploying…and he said he was scared. How was I supposed to know I should have asked that? But anyways. Maybe I was too dependent. I don’t know. He was/is my best friend. (I’m still refusing to let him give up that role…I’ve never been able to talk to anyone like I can with him.) I still wish I could go back in time, even just a week, and not freak out. Prove to him that I could be strong through this. Because before I left, he said, HE SAID, he knew that we’d have to be miserable and basically hate life through this next year, but HE SAID it was worth it because we’d be together afterwards, and then we’d have forever. He said this was the last time we’d have to be apart, and then that was it. I know I gave up on us being apart right now on Friday, but why did he have to go and give up on EVERYTHING else? And now he’s saying that he’s tired of people making him feel bad for making the decision to end us, (and I know I’m included in that list…not sure who else is), and that he wants to make it through this deployment and then leave this life and everyone who’s making him feel bad behind, and just start over…with only the people who truly care about him. So what category do I fall into? I know I’m making him feel bad about it, but that’s because I feel like shit. He broke every promise he made to me. It’s only fair, since nothing else seems to be. But I also really do truly care about him. With everything I am. I’ve cared about him since the day I met him. The day I met him I knew there was something there…something I’d want to hold on to. I knew that day that he’d be in my life for the rest of my life. He was too amazing of a person to not be in my life. Now, I’m not saying it was love at first sight…because it wasn’t. At least not for me. But he was still in my heart. So where do I fall? Should I hold on to the chance that we’ll be together in the future? Or just give up entirely? Because he still says he loves me, and I have his heart, and that he’s sad we’re not together…and that there’s still a part of him that wants to marry me. So what do I hold onto?

“There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”

It’s only been 3 days, but it still feels like someone is grabbing my insides and twisting them, trying to rip them out. I have no idea whether I should hold on, or just let go. I want him to be happy, and I want to be happy, but I want us to be happy together…I thought we were. So right now I’m torn. Because I don’t want to give him up. Not even remotely. Everyone is saying I should because I deserve better than how he’s treating me, and I’m sure I would be telling myself the same thing…if I wasn’t the one hurt. But to me, while yes, I’m confused as hell, I don’t feel like he’s treating me all that horribly. Yes, okay, breaking my heart qualifies as treating me horribly. But he’s still my friend. He’s still one of my best friends. He’s gotten better since Saturday about allowing me to talk to him about how I feel and ask him questions about what happened and what’s going to happen. And I am so so grateful that he’s talking to me about real shit like that. Because I can’t just do the bullshit small talk that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve always been able to talk to him about actual things, not just meaningless stuff. But I’m still torn. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give him up, or give up the dream of him, because he’s been my dream for the future since we got together…just short of a year and a half ago. Yes, marine biology is still my dream, but he supported that dream, and we made a plan so we could both achieve our dreams…and do them together. So I don’t know if I should hold on to the idea of the plan, or just give it up and try to move on. So far, I’ve been leaning towards holding on. But I’ve also had a problem with letting go and realizing he’s not mine anymore. Every morning I wake up and it takes me a minute to realize he isn’t mine anymore, and that it wasn’t just one big horrible nightmare (I’m still hoping I’ll wake up and this will all have been a nightmare). I just don’t want to give up and have him fall for someone else. It would kill me to see him with someone else. But I guess, before I have to decide on whether to give up or hold on, I need to be okay. Everyone says it takes time, and I’m hoping now that school is back and I’m moving into a *hopefully* better apartment soon, that’ll help. Keep your fingers crossed. So that’s my 2011 New Year’s Resolution (I know, a little late, but I didn’t have one at New Years) – to be okay; to be able to stand on my own two feet, and be truly happy with myself. (But man, if someone told me ON New Year’s that my Resolution was to be okay living without the love of my life…I would have said they were high.) Anyways, he says he’s trying to find himself, alone, and be happy with himself, alone. So I figure I should do the same thing. I’m not saying I’m going to give up anytime soon, or stop loving him (I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that...especially anytime soon). Because the truth is, I’m still crazy in love with him, and he still has my heart. I haven’t taken off his promise ring (despite the fact that he broke those promises to me…he made new ones, not as intense ones, but I’m hoping he’ll keep them nonetheless), and I haven’t stopped wearing his dog tags. Sure there’s moments where I want to take them off and throw them in the ocean because he hurt me and I’m angry at him, but then I wouldn’t have something to hold onto, like physically hold on to. And they’ve been a source of strength for me since he gave them to me…it’s like a rosary for a religious person. Maybe someday soon, I’ll even be able to start eating and sleeping like a normal human being. I haven’t actually eaten a real meal since the night before I left Kansas…and since Friday, I’ve been living off of Sprite…and the occasional saltine.

But anyways, that’s my resolution. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get to that point, or how many nights I’m going to be crying on the phone to my mom, or how many nights I’ll have to call Michelle Hecker (aka my Hawaiian savior…she rescued me last night and gave me my first night of peace and sleep and distractions…I’ll forever be grateful for that), and have to have her allow me to go to my happy place (aka her house), and just relax and relish in the simplicities that are her two young boys and their legos and their Wii. Or just to have a family to be physically in, since mine is up in Alaska. Now no one should think in any way here that I’m saying they’re replacing my family…because my family is the shit and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. The Heckers are just stepping in and helping me out because my parents can’t actually be there (damn jobs and expensive plane tickets getting in the way)…but I know my parents would be here in a heartbeat if they could…ALL of them. <3>

I just wish I could have seen it coming. Had some sort of clue. But maybe that’s it. Maybe Hitch was right, love is never 50/50 completely equal. Maybe it really is 60/40 or even 70/30. But truth be told, I never never would have thought I would have been the one loving more…because when we first met, he wanted me more than I wanted him. I’m just wondering when the tables turned. I’m not sorry they did, because I learned how to love someone with everything I am…something I’d never done before and I will be utterly grateful for that always. But I’m just curious.

“I admit, I really miss how things used to be. But I can also admit, that I’ve accepted that they’ve changed.”

I hope eventually this quote will be true…or maybe I don’t and I hope that they’ll change back. I don’t really know right now. All I know is that I’m trying to be okay. And I know that I have the best support system anyone could have.

To everyone that has already offered me advice in any way shape or form, or just send me hugs and infinite love, thank you. From the bottom of my broken heart, I thank you. It helps more than I could ever say that you guys are there for me. Especially the people I don’t generally talk to…you guys have brought smiles to my face when you just out of the blue message me to tell me it’ll be okay and I can still learn to love again.

To everyone who reads this, thanks for actually reading it and making it through the whole thing…most of the people who do I’m sure have heard most of it, because I’ve either texted it to you or just cried on the phone while telling you and endlessly repeating “I don’t understand.” If you do have advice for me, message it to me. If you just want to send me love and hugs, I can always use those :).

Right now, I’m looking forward to March…to getting out of Hawaii and going home for Spring Break and seeing my amazing family and wonderful siblings…and hopefully managing to see my Harley Family because they are some of the most amazing people I know. And they’re always there for me.

And Will…should you ever find this and read it. I hope you’re not mad that I posted it. I just needed to get it out, and hopefully understand it. I want to be okay without you, but I also don’t want to lose you. But I’ve told you that every day. I love you - that will never change…whether the future brings us back together in the future or not. I hope you don’t ever give up on your dream, and you only have the best people as your support system. I will always support you in whatever you do with your life. I may not like it, but I want you to be happy…even if that winds up being without me.